Holidays Read online

  4. Warm the pole with your hands.

  A tongue will stick when the surface of the pole is very cold. The top few layers of the tongue will freeze when the tongue touches the pole, causing bonding. Place your gloved hands on the area of the pole closest to the tongue. Hold them there for several minutes.

  5. Take a test pull.

  As the pole warms, the frozen area around the tongue should begin to thaw. Gently pull the tongue away from the pole. You may leave a layer or two of skin on the pole, which will be painful, but the tongue will quickly heal.

  Alternative Method

  Use warm water.

  Pour water from a water bottle over the tongue and the pole. Do not use water that is cold, or it may freeze and exacerbate the problem.

  Be Aware

  Do not try to loosen your tongue with your own saliva: Although saliva is relatively warm, the small amount you will be able to generate is likely to freeze on your tongue.

  If another person is present, have him or her pour warm (not hot) water over your tongue. This may be difficult to articulate while your tongue is stuck—pantomiming a glass of water poured over your tongue should do the trick.

  APPENDIX

  THE “THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS” SPEECH

  Son/Daughter,

  Please sit down over here by me. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, and I think you’re old enough now.

  I know you believe with all your heart that there is a person called Santa Claus who brings you presents every year if you are good. But the truth is that there is no Santa Claus. “Santa Claus” is really all the parents in the world, who love their children very much and buy them presents to show how much they love them.

  Your presents are not made by elves in a toy shop at the North Pole. There is no such thing as an elf; and the North Pole is actually one of the loneliest and most desolate places on Earth. The truth is that mom and dad buy all your presents at the mall, and we’re the ones who eat Santa’s cookies and drink Santa’s milk. Reindeer can’t fly, either.

  But don’t cry. This doesn’t mean that the spirit of Santa Claus isn’t real. “Santa Claus” is inside all of us, whenever we give presents to those that we love or those who are less fortunate. When you grow up, you can be Santa, too. Or the Easter Bunny. Or the Tooth Fairy.

  NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION-O-MATIC

  Choose one option from each of the concentric circles, beginning at the center, to create your New Year’s resolutions.

  THE EXPERTS

  CHAPTER 1: COOKING AND ENTERTAINING

  How to Extinguish a Burning Turkey

  Source: Recipe for Safer Cooking, a publication of the Consumer Products Safety Commission.

  How to Serve Burnt Turkey; How to Prevent a Turkey from Exploding; How to Keep a Turkey Moist During Cooking

  Sources: David Burke is corpo-rate chef for the Smith and Wollensky Restaurant Group, head chef at Park Avenue Café in New York City, and author of Cooking with David Burke. • Sherrie Rosenblatt is the director of public relations for the National Turkey Federation (www.eatturkey.com).

  How to Remove a Gravy Stain

  Sources: Field Guide to Stains by Virginia Friedman, Melissa Wagner, and Nancy Armstrong. • D. A. Burns & Sons is a Washington State–based carpet cleaning and textile craftsmanship company.

  How to Put Out a Grease Fire

  Sources: Meri-K Appy is vice president for public education at the nonprofit National Fire Protection Association (www.nfpa.org), which facilitates the development of national consensus safety codes and develops and implements public safety education and research initiatives. She oversees all of the NFPA’s public education and community outreach programs. • Chris Miles is a lieutenant in the Philadelphia Fire Department.

  How to Treat a Grease Burn

  Source: Ken Zafren, M.D., is the medical director of Emergency Medical Services for the State of Alaska and a fellow of the American College of Emergency Physicians. He specializes in remote region and high-altitude trauma.

  How to Repurpose a Fruitcake

  Sources: Sarah Phillips is the author of The Healthy Oven Baking Book and the founder and president of Baking911.com. She is the creator of the Healthy Oven line of baking mixes and worked in food manufacturing for 10 years. • June Jacobs, a certified culinary professional, teaches cooking and wine classes. She leads food-and-wine focused tours of France through her company, Feastivals (www.feastivals.com), and is the author of Feastivals Cooks at Home and a director of the New York Association of Cooking Teachers. • Brother Barnabas Brownsey of the Cistercian Order of the Stritch Observance lives in Holy Cross Abbey and works in its Monastery Bakery in Berryville, Virginia (www.monasteryfruitcake.org).

  How to Open a Bottle of Wine with a Broken Cork

  Source: Daniel Dawson is the owner of Backroom Wines (www.backroomwines.com), a fine wine and wine tasting shop in Napa, California. He is a former sommelier at the French Laundry restaurant and a former wine merchant.

  How to Avoid Shooting a Champagne Cork

  Source: Daniel Dawson.

  CHAPTER 2: FRIENDS AND FAMILY

  How to Deal with a Meddling Parent

  Source: Robin Thompson is the founder of the Etiquette Network (www.etiquette-network.com) and lectures on etiquette and image for all ages at schools, universities, and businesses. She is the author of Be the Best You Can Be: A Guide to Etiquette and Self-Improvement for Children and Teens.

  How to Survive If You Have No One to Kiss on New Year’s Eve

  Source: Sherry Amatenstein (www.luvlessons.com) is the author of The Q and A Dating Book: Answers to the Thorniest, Sexiest, Most Intimate and Reveal-ing Questions About Love, Sex, and Romantic Relationships and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups: Discover How to Make Relationships Last—by Learning from the Ones That Didn’t, and is the dating columnist for ivillage.com.

  How to Fend Off an Unwanted Kiss

  Source: Sherry Amatenstein.

  How to Overcome Holiday Depression

  Source: Gerald H. Smith, D.D.S., is the author of the best-selling Headaches Aren’t Forever and Alternative Treatments for Conquering Chronic Pain, and he maintains a clinical practice specializing in craniomandibular somatic disorders and pain therapy in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. He runs the International Center for Nutritional Research (www.icnr.com).

  CHAPTER 3: HOLIDAY EMERGENCIES

  How to Treat Food Poisoning

  Source: Dave Hill is a UK–based food industry consultant who advises manufacturers and caterers on safe food production. He has written numerous guides to good hygiene practice and is a fellow of the Institute of Food Science and Technology (www.ifst.org).

  How to Extinguish a Christmas Tree Fire

  Sources: Meri-K Appy. • Chris Miles.

  How to Survive a Fall from a Ladder

  Source: Ken Zafren.

  How to Survive Christmas Tree Light Disasters

  Sources: Colin C. Adams, Ph.D., is the Francis C. Oakley Third Century Professor of Mathematics at Williams College. He is the author of The Knot Book: An Elementary Introduction to the Mathematical Theory of Knots and is the coauthor of How to Ace Calculus: The Streetwise Guide. • Michael Clendenin is executive director of Electrical Safety Foundation International (www.electrical-safety.org), a nonprofit dedicated to public awareness and education on electrical safety.

  How to Resize a Christmas Tree

  Source: Bill Asack owns and runs Asack and Son Tree Farm in Barton, Vermont (www.billasack.com).

  How to Prevent a Tree from Toppling Over

  Source: Bill Asack.

  How to Treat Mistletoe Poisoning

  Sources: Dan Brown, Ph.D., is an associate professor of Nutritional Toxicology at Cornell University and a staff scientist at the International Livestock Research Institute. • John P. Lamb, Pharm.D., CSPI, FCSHP, a toxicology management specialist and health educator for the Sacramento Division of the California Poison Control System (www.calpoison.org)
, is an assistant clinical professor of pharmacy at UCSF and an associate clinical professor of medicine at UCD. • Eric Lombardini, V.M.D., is a captain in the U.S. Army Veterinary Corps and the commander of a veterinary medical detachment responsible for care of military working dogs and other government-owned animals.

  How to Make an Emergency Menorah

  Source: Marsha Silver Heit is a Hebrew school teacher in Philadelphia.

  How to Make Menorah Candles from Crayons

  Sources: Michelle Espino is the author of Candlemaking for Fun and Profit and is the owner of Waxed Out Candles (www.waxedout.com), an artisan studio in Tallahassee, Florida. • Amy Segelin owns Luminous Creations (www.luminouscreations.com), a maker and distributor of beeswax candles in Los Angeles.

  How to Fit into Clothing That Is Too Tight

  Source: Sherry Maysonave, author of Casual Power: How to Power Up Your Nonverbal Communication and Dress Down for Success, is the president and founder of Empowerment Enterprises (www.casualpower.com), a consulting firm specializing in communication and image.

  How to Silence a Group of Carolers

  Source: Kevin St. Clair is the director of Dickens and Company (www.dickensandcompany.com), a professional caroling group based in Southern California, which books carolers nationwide.

  CHAPTER 4: SHOPPING SURVIVAL

  How to Evade a Stampede of Shoppers

  Sources: G. Keith Still, Ph.D., is a mathematician and crowd dynamics expert who runs workshops on crowds and crowd safety (www.crowddynamics.com). He is the creator of the Legion system, a crowd modeling method used to assist in planning the Sydney Olympics. • Stevanne “Dr. Toy” Auerbach, Ph.D., is a child devel-opment specialist and the author of Smart Play: How to Raise a Child with a High P.Q. Her website, www.drtoy.com, provides year-round guidance on toys and play.

  How to Deal with a Bad Gift

  Source: Peter Post, great-grandson of Emily Post, is an expert in business and personal etiquette. He is author of Etiquette Advantage in Business and director of the Emily Post Institute (www.emilypost.com) in Burlington, Vermont.

  How to Thwart Gift Snoopers

  Sources: Sherri and Larry Athay are the authors of Present Perfect: Unforgettable Gifts for Every Occasion and the founders of Present Perfect Gift Consultants and GiftElan.com.

  How to Determine the Contents of a Wrapped Gift

  Sources: Sherri and Larry Athay.

  How to Rewrap a Gift

  Source: Juanita Lewis (www.itsawrapgifts.com) has been a professional gift-basket designer and wrapping specialist for 18 years. She teaches classes and produces instructional videos on bowmaking, gift baskets, and gift wrapping, and has served as a judge for 3M’s annual “Most Gifted Wrapper” contest.

  How to Wrap a Present Without Wrapping Paper

  Source: Juanita Lewis.

  How to Treat a Wrapping-Paper Cut

  Source: Seth Haplea, M.D., is a member of the American Academy of Neurology and the American Association of Electrodiagnostic Medicine. He practices clinical neurophysiology in Phoenix, Arizona.

  CHAPTER 5: SURVIVING THE GREAT OUTDOORS

  How to Escape a Runaway Parade Balloon

  Source: Henry Perahia is chief engineer for the New York City Department of Transportation and supervisor of the balloons for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in Manhattan.

  How to Deal with a Canceled Flight

  Source: Rudy Maxa is the publisher of a monthly consumer travel newsletter (www.rudymaxa.com). He is also a commentator on public radio’s evening business show Marketplace and was the original host of public radio’s weekend show The Savvy Traveler.

  How to Drive in a Blizzard

  Source: The SAS Survival Driver’s Handbook, by John “Lofty” Wiseman.

  How to Stop a Runaway One-Horse Open Sleigh

  Sources: John and Kristy Milchick are horse trainers who own and manage Hideaway Stables (www.hideawayhorses.com), a horse farm in Kentucky, where they breed, train, and sell foundation American quarter horses. • Christopher Caso is a stuntman who has produced and performed high-fall stunts for numerous movies, including Batman and Robin, The Lost World, and The Crow: City of Angels.

  How to Fend Off a Charging Reindeer

  Source: Greg Finstad is program manager of the Reindeer Research Program of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks.

  How to Rescue Someone Stuck in a Chimney

  Sources: Karen Duke is one of only a few female certified chimney sweeps in the United States. She and her family operate Victorian Fireplace in Richmond, Virginia, which specializes in fireplaces for older homes. • Roger Hoelderlin runs Best Way Maintenance (www.bestwaychimney.com), a licensed and certified chimney sweep and masonry company based in Levittown, New York. • Craig Issod is the Webmaster of HearthNet (www.hearth.com).

  How to Survive a Runaway Sled

  Source: John Markel is the operator of Midnight Sun Locations (www.alaskafilmlocations.com), a film and television stunt, location, and safety consulting firm based in Girdwood, Alaska. He is certified in High Angle Rescue and has 30 years of rock and ice climbing experience.

  How to Win a Snowball Fight; How to Make Snowballs

  Sources: David and Jeanie Stiles (www.stilesdesigns.com) are the authors of Treehouses, Huts, and Forts and Treehouses You Can Actually Build. • Kenneth G. Libbrecht is a professor of physics and physics executive officer at Cal Tech, where he studies ice physics and crystal growth of ice.

  How to Build a Snow Fort

  Sources: David and Jeanie Stiles. • John Lindner, Director of the Wilderness Survival School for the Colorado Mountain Club, is also director of training for the Snow Operations Training Center, an organization that teaches mountain survival skills to utility companies, search and rescue teams, and government agencies.

  How to Treat a Tongue Stuck to a Pole

  Source: Kenneth G. Libbrecht.

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  David Borgenicht is a writer, editor, husband, and father who has survived dozens of holiday worst-case scenarios, from being trapped in a blizzard to potato latke disasters, caroling nightmares, and mistletoe mishaps. He lives in Philadelphia with his family, and knows who’s naughty and nice.

  Joshua Piven is a writer, editor, and fixture on the holiday circuit. He is the coauthor of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series. He lives in Philadelphia with his wife.

  Brenda Brown is a freelance illustrator and cartoonist whose work has been published in many books and major publications, including The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series, Esquire, Reader’s Digest, USA Weekend, 21st Century Science and Technology, the Saturday Evening Post, the National Enquirer, and many other magazines. Her work has also appeared in specialized education series, websites, and promotional ad campaigns. Brenda’s website: http://webtoon.com.

  Check out www.worstcasescenarios.com for updates, new scenarios, and more! Because you just never know…

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  David Borgenicht extends his thanks and holiday wishes of good cheer to the following: Jay Schaefer, Steve Mockus, and Erin Slonaker for their tireless editing efforts; Terry for his fabulous holiday design work; all of our experts for their knowledge and, well, expertise; and Santa Claus, Hanukkah Harry, the Grinch, and the Heat Miser (for just being there).

  Joshua “The Heat Miser” Piven thanks Rebecca and Karen Hafter for making the holidays fun and entertaining. He also thanks Linus for teaching Charlie Brown the true meaning of Christmas.

  More Worst-Case Scenarios

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Golf

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Calendar

  The Worst-Case Scenario Daily Survival Calendar

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Journal

  The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Cards: 30 Pos
tcards

  The Worst-Case Scenario Dating & Sex Address Book

  The Worst-Case Scenario Holiday Survival Cards

  Copyright © 2002 by Quirk Productions, Inc.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Worst-Case ScenarioTM and The Worst-Case Scenario Survival HandbookTM are trademarks of Quirk Productions, Inc.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

  ISBN: 978-1-4521-0244-3

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