Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook Read online

  The

  Ultimate

  Worst-Case Scenario

  Survival Handbook

  By

  David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven & Ben H. Winters

  With contributions by Victoria De Silverio, James Grace, Sarah Jordan, Piers Marchant, Dan and Judy Ramsey, Sam Stall, and Jennifer Worick

  Illustrations by Brenda Brown

  WARNING

  When a life is imperiled or a dire situation is at hand, safe alternatives may not exist. To deal with the worst-case scenarios presented in this book, we highly recommend—insist, actually—that the best course of action is to consult a professionally trained expert. But because highly trained professionals may not always be available when the safety or sanity of individuals is at risk, we have asked experts on various subjects to describe the techniques they might employ in these emergency situations. THE AUTHORS, PUBLISHER, AND EXPERTS DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY from any injury that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. We do not guarantee that the information contained herein is complete, safe, or accurate for your situation, nor should it be considered a substitute for your good judgment and common sense. And finally, nothing in this book should be construed or interpreted to infringe on the rights of other persons or to violate criminal statutes; we urge you to obey all laws and respect all rights, including property rights, of others.

  —The Authors

  Contents

  * * *

  * * *

  Warning

  Epigraph

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 Tooth and Claw Animal Encounters

  Alligators

  How To Wrestle Free From An Alligator

  How To Retrieve An Object Near An Alligator

  How To Bind An Alligator’s Jaws

  Who Has The Most Bite?

  Charging Animals

  How To Escape From A Charging Rhino

  Average Speed Of Charging Animals

  How To Escape From A Charging Bull

  How To Fend Off A Charging Reindeer

  Runaway Animals

  How To Control A Runaway Camel

  Ways To Calm A Spooked Horse

  How To Stop A Runaway Horse

  Kicked By A Zebra

  How To Dismount From A Rearing And Bucking Horse

  Dogs

  How To Silence A Barking Addict

  Household Items Tat Are Toxic To Canines

  How To Give A Dog A Pill

  How To Clean Dog Poop Off A Shoe

  Emergency Rain Gear

  How To Get Rid Of Skunk Odor On Your Dog

  How To Give A Dog Cpr

  Sea Animals

  How To Escape From A Giant Octopus

  How To Fend Off A Shark

  Three Kinds Of Shark Attacks

  How To Survive A Jellyfish Sting

  Marine Creatures Tat Can Kill You Without Teeth

  Birds

  How To Survive A Bird Attack

  How To Survive A Bird Flu Outbreak

  Cleaning Off Bird Poop

  How To Prevent Sucking A Goose Into Your Jet Engine

  Jungle Animals

  How To Remove A Leech

  How To Escape From An Angry Gorilla

  How To Cross A Piranha-Infested River

  Poison Dart Frog Contact

  Snakes

  How To Escape From A Boa Constrictor

  Snake In A Sleeping Bag

  How To Survive A Poisonous Snake Attack

  Venomous Snakes Of The Tropics

  Animal Packs

  How To Escape From Killer Bees

  How To Outwit A Pack Of Wolves

  How To Survive A Slumber Party

  Chased By A Pack Of Dogs

  How Many Animals In The Group?

  Stampedes

  How To Survive An Elephant Stampede

  What Causes Animal Stampedes

  How To Evade A Stampede Of Shoppers

  A Stampede Of Girafes

  Surviving Stampedes

  Cats

  How To Get Your Cat To Cuddle

  How To Get A Cat Out From Under The Bed

  How To Toilet Train Your Cat

  Tings Tat Are Toxic To Cats

  Insects

  How To Deal With A Tarantula

  How To Treat A Scorpion Sting

  Creepy-Crawly Tings And How Many Eggs They Lay

  How To Survive A Cockroach Infestation

  Signs Of A Roach Infestation

  How To Escape From Fire Ants

  Dangerous Forest Insects

  Chapter 2 Critical Conditions Life and Limb

  Ailments

  How To Treat Poison Ivy, Poison Oak, And Poison Sumac

  Treating Migraines

  How To Treat Sunburn

  How To Deal With Insomnia

  How To Cure Hiccups

  Fitness

  How To Treat A Gym Addiction

  Workout Injuries

  Out-Of-Control Treadmill

  Hygiene

  How To Survive If You Have Excessive Gas

  Gassy Foods To Avoid

  How To Deal With Body Odor

  Excessive Perspiration

  How To Deal With Bad Breath

  Personal Appearance

  How To Treat A Pimple

  How To Prevent Wrinkles

  How To Treat A Shaving Wound

  How To Treat Bags Under Eyes

  Inner Peace

  What To Do If You Forget Your Mantra

  How To Treat Yoga Mishaps

  How To Tee Off In Front Of A Crowd

  Illness

  How To Survive The Flu Pandemic

  How To Survive Food Poisoning

  Common Diseases and Means of Transmission*

  First Aid

  How To Stitch A Gaping Wound

  Tourniquets

  How To Make A Splint Or Sling

  How To Treat A Leg Fracture

  Symptoms Of A Fracture, Sprain, Or Dislocation

  Emergency Medicine

  How To Treat A Severed Limb

  How To Perform A Tracheotomy

  How To Save Yourself If You Are Having A Heart Attack

  How To Use A Defibrillator To Restore A Heartbeat

  Choking

  How To Save Your Date From Choking

  How To Give A Dog The Heimlich Maneuver

  How To Perform The Heimlich Maneuver On Your Cat

  How To Save Yourself From Choking

  Chapter 3 Shaky Foundations Home And Hearth

  Weddings

  How To Raise Money For The Wedding

  How To Treat A Panic Attack

  How To Avoid A Nervous Breakdown Before The Wedding

  How To Deal With Lost Rings

  How To Make An Emergency Ring

  Tank-You Note Generator

  Marriage

  How To Survive A Honeymoon Disaster

  How To Apologize When You Don’t Know What You’ve Done Wrong

  How To Prevent Snoring

  How To Survive If You Forget Your Anniversary

  How To Sleep On The Couch

  Babies

  How To Deliver A Baby In A Taxicab

  How To Deal With A Cat Who Is Jealous Of A New Baby

  How To Survive Baby Gear Overload

  Means Of Soothing Colicky Babies

  Children

  How To Prevent Backpack Overload

  How To Discipline Imaginary Friends

  How To Get Children To Eat Vegetables

  How To Get Rid Of Bedroom Monsters

  Warning!

  In The Kitchen

  How To Put
Out A Grease Fire

  How To Treat A Grease Burn

  Warning!

  Emergency Substitutions/Out Of Ingredients

  Jar Won’t Open

  Holidays

  How To Make An Emergency Menorah

  How To Extinguish A Christmas Tree Fire

  The “There Is No Santa Claus” Speech

  How To Escape From A Runaway Parade Balloon

  How To Survive If You Have No One To Kiss On New Year’s Eve

  Teenagers

  How To Tell If Your Child Was Switched At Birth

  How To Deal With Provocative Clothing

  How To Survive Your Child’s First Driving Lesson

  How To Reattach A Damaged Bumper

  College

  How To Avoid Going To The Wrong College

  How To Identify A Party School

  How To Deal With A Nightmare Roommate

  How To Hook Up In The Library

  How To Sleep In Class

  Suburbs

  How To Find Your Condo In A Condo Development

  How To Tell Whether A Black Widow Spider Is Dangerous

  Garage Hazards

  How To Put Out A Grill Fire

  Around The House

  How To Make Household Chores Fun

  Broken Lightbulb In Socket

  How To Remove Stains From Carpet

  Removing Wasp Nests

  How To Thaw Frozen Pipes

  Falling Trough The Floor

  How To Avoid Doing Laundry

  Retirement

  How To Incorporate The Grandkids Into Daily Activities

  How To Take A Nap Anywhere

  Places Not To Take A 4 p.m. Nap

  Labor-Expanding Tips To Fill The Day

  How To Get Your Old Job Back

  Clever Ways To Take Your Medicine

  Chapter 4 Can’t We All Just Get Along? Social Scenarios

  Faking It

  How To Fake A Presentation

  How To Fake An Orgasm

  How To Detect A Real Orgasm

  How To Take A Test When You Haven’t Studied

  Job Description Euphemism Chart

  Politics

  How To Survive A Sex Scandal

  How To Pretend You Care

  How To Simplify A Complicated Message

  How To Kiss A Drooling Baby

  Sports

  How To Ski Off A 100-Foot Drop

  How To Survive A Stadium Riot

  How To Survive A Two-Wave Hold-Down

  How To Disarm An Irate Golfer

  Alcohol

  How To Avoid Shooting A Champagne Cork

  How To Open A Bottle Of Wine With A Broken Cork

  How To Deal With The “Spins”

  How To Win A Bar Bet

  How To Open A Beer Bottle Without A Bottle Opener

  Games and Hobbies

  How To Spot A Card Cheat

  How To Survive A Bungee Cord Break

  Difficult Relationships

  How To Flatter An Insecure Boss

  How To Deal With Meddling Parents

  How To Date Three People At Once

  Most Stressful Relationships

  How To Deal With Nightmare Customers

  Dating

  How To Survive If You Wake Up Next To Someone And Don’t Remember Their Name

  How To Spot A Fake

  How To Fend Off Competitors

  Good Signs/Bad Signs Body Language

  Breaking Up

  How To Live With An Ex Until One Of You Moves Out

  How To Fend Off An Obsessive Ex

  How To Survive If You Run Into Your Ex

  Breakup Texts

  How To Regain Your Confidence

  Fights

  How To Win A Sword Fight

  How To Take A Punch

  How To Break Up A Cat Fight

  How To Win A Snowball Fight

  How To Deal With Someone Wielding A Chair

  Reality TV

  How To Make A Successful Audition Video For A Reality Show

  How To Talk Without Being Caught On Mic

  How To Extend Your 15 Minutes Of Fame

  How To Fake Intense Emotion

  Social Media

  How To Make An Online Dating Profile More Alluring

  Social Networking Etiquette

  Social Media At Work

  How To Avoid Sending Employers The Wrong Message With Your Social Media Bio

  How To Expand Your Online Friend Network

  Personal Ad Photo Decoder

  Chapter 5 Mean Streets Urban SurvivaL

  City

  How To Escape A Swarm Of Pigeons

  How To Escape A Wild Taxi Ride

  How To Walk On Sidewalks

  Underground

  How To Survive Being Trapped In A Sewer

  How To Survive A Rat Bite

  Rat Bites

  How To Survive Falling Down A Well

  How To Survive A Fall Onto Subway Tracks

  Rooftops

  How To Cross Buildings On A Wire

  How To Jump From Rooftop To Rooftop

  How To Jump From A Building Into A Dumpster

  Hotels

  How To Survive A High-Rise Hotel Fire

  How To Scour A Room For Bedbugs

  What To Avoid In A Filthy Hotel Room

  Small Spaces

  How To Survive In A Tin Y Workspace

  How To Have Sex In A Small Space

  How To Share A Studio Apartment With Three Roommates

  Surveillance

  How To Lose Someone Following You

  How To See If Your Car Has Been Tampered With

  How To Tell If Your Cell Phone Has Been Tapped

  How To Tell If You’re Under Surveillance

  How To Rig A Room To Tell If Someone Has Been There

  Technology

  How To Survive Dropping A Cell Phone In The Toilet

  How To Survive Tech Injuries

  How To Avoid Being Hacked

  Law and Order

  How To Survive A Night In Jail

  How To Tail A Thief

  How To Survive A Mugging

  How To Survive Identity Theft

  Getting In

  How To Break Down A Door

  How To Sneak In Late To Meetings

  How To Break In To A Car

  Getting A Job

  How To Survive The Interview

  Résumé Euphemisms

  How To Disguise A Tattoo

  How To Clean Up Your Online Reputation

  How To Identify A Nightmare Workplace

  On The Job

  How To Survive A Spill In Aisle Seven

  How To Remove A Tie Caught In A Document Feeder

  How To Restore A Shredded Document

  How To Get A Candy Bar Out Of The Vending Machine

  Avoid Being Fired

  How To Survive If You’re Caught Slacking

  How To Enhance Your Stature

  How To Salvage A Coffee-Stained Document

  How To Cover Up Mistakes

  Chapter 6 It’s A Jungle Out There The Natural World

  The Desert

  How To Survive When Lost In The Desert

  How To Prepare For The Desert

  Where To Find Water

  How To Make An Underground Sand Shelter

  How To Survive A Sandstorm

  How To Free A Vehicle Mired In Soft Sand

  Mountains

  How To Escape From A Mountain Lion

  How To Survive A Lightning Storm On A Mountainside

  Avoiding Altitude Sickness

  How To Survive Being Pinned Under A Fallen Rock

  High-Altitude Illnesses

  Jungle

  How To Build A Jungle Shelter

  How To Survive When Lost In The Jungle

  How To Find Civilization

  How To Make A Raft

  The Forest

  How To Leave A Trail For Rescuers If Lost In The Wilderness

  The Uni
versal Edibility Test

  How To Escape From A Forest Fire

  Rivers and Rapids

  How To Cross The Amazon River

  How To Cross A Frozen River

  How To Run A Canyon River

  How To Fish In Rapids

  Critical Knots

  Geological Disasters

  How To Survive An Earthquake

  How To Survive An Avalanche

  How To Survive A Volcanic Eruption

  Storms

  How To Survive A Flash Flood

  Avoiding Floodwaters

  How To Survive A Tornado

  How To Drive In A Hurricane

  How To Deal With A Downed Power Line

  Camping

  How To Escape From A Bear

  How To Go To The Bathroom In The Woods

  How To Rig Up Your Food

  Improvised Outdoor Shelters

  How To Find Your Way Without A Compass

  Making Fire

  How To Make A Fire Without Matches

  Making A Fire In The Snow

  How To Start The Fire

  How To Make A Fire With A Single Stalk Of Bamboo

  Water

  How To Find Water On A Deserted Island

  Finding Water In The Desert

  How To Purify Water

  Last-Ditch Liquids You Can Drink

  Marooned

  How To Survive When Marooned

  How To Open Coconuts

  How To Fish Without A Rod

  How To Make A Friend From Materials On The Island

  Signals

  How To Signal With A Mirror

  Ground Signals For Passing Aircraft

  How To Create A Signal Fire

  Can I Eat It?

  How To Set Animal Traps

  How To Clean And Cook A Squirrel

  Eating Lizards

  Edible Plants Of The Ocean

  Edible Plants Of The Desert

  The Ocean