Holidays Read online

  5. Move pants to below the belly.

  Do not attempt to hike pants up and wear them high on the waist: This will result in an unsightly bulge, the pants may not close properly, and they will be too short in length. Wear them low on the hips, and use a jacket or loose-fitting shirt to conceal the gut.

  6. Use the proper belt notch.

  A belt should be worn in the third or fourth notch. Buy a longer belt rather than moving to a lower notch.

  Be Aware

  Avoid fitted, knitted, polo-type tops, such as golf shirts. These garments accentuate what you want to hide.

  Avoid horizontal stripes, which widen your appearance.

  Avoid suits with a center vent in the back, which tends to ride on the rear end rather than fall over it.

  FOR WOMEN

  1. Choose classic-fit trousers and tunic shirts and blouses.

  Even if a bit tight, these garments will fit better and look more appropriate than severely cut items. Blouses can be worn untucked, but only if they are cut straight across the bottom and not high on the sides. If you carry extra weight in your hips, avoid narrow-leg pants; instead opt for classic or wide leg styles.

  2. Use safety pins on pants with side and rear closures.

  Safety pins can be used to extend the waistband and may even be used in a chain of two or three. Wear a long jacket or over-blouse to hide the pins; take care in windy conditions.

  3. Pick structured garments.

  Jackets and cardigan sweaters that have a structured shape—even without you in them—hide pounds. Look for jackets that have shoulder pads, back seams that curve, and tapered sleeves. Unlike the boxy suits men should wear, women’s suits should be tapered, giving the appearance of a slimmer waistline.

  4. Layer tops and use tops as shirt-jackets.

  Blouses that are too tight when buttoned can be worn partially unbuttoned over a round-neck or turtleneck knit top. Leave the over-blouse unbuttoned down to a button above the waist; tuck the top and blouse into your skirt/pants for a slimming layered look. Add a jacket, or wear the blouse completely unbuttoned as a shirt-jacket if it is cut straight across the bottom.

  5. Choose monochromatic ensembles.

  Wear dark suits, or pair a black skirt or pants with a black top or blouse. To maximize the slimming effect of dark, monochromatic ensembles, keep the darkest garment on the bottom. Place lighter shades of the same hue near your face.

  6. Wear bright colors properly.

  To wear bright colors and still look thin, pair them with dark neutrals. Wear black pants/skirt with a brightly colored blouse or knit top, topped off with a black jacket. Or choose a red jacket with a black top and black pants/skirt.

  7. Draw attention to the face with striking accessories, stylish hair, and tastefully applied makeup.

  Be Aware

  Avoid clingy knits and spandex. These materials keep no secrets and tend to draw the eye to bulges. Lycra creates some stretch in a garment and is far more forgiving than spandex.

  Before the holidays, purchase a few blouses and two pairs of dark pants that are one size too big. Wear them before the holidays and people will think you’ve lost weight. After the holidays, they will fit perfectly.

  Avoid drawing attention to the waist with flashy belts over large shirts.

  HOW TO SILENCE A GROUP OF CAROLERS

  Turn out the lights.

  As soon as you hear or see the carolers coming down the street, douse the lights. A dark house may deter them from stopping, since they will think no one is home. Turning out the lights belatedly—after they have arrived at your door—will send a strong message, but carolers are frequently very determined.

  Turn up your music.

  Without opening your door, play CDs at high volume. Speed metal and 1970s rock are likely to be in a different key than the carolers, who will be unable to stay in tune, become discouraged, and depart. If you are listening to Christmas music, shut it off immediately, or they may be encouraged to sing along.

  Answer the door in a robe or towel.

  Embarrassed, the carolers may simply leave. Nudity (even partial) may offend them and make them unable to sing. Call to another person inside the house (real or imaginary), “I’ll be right back.”

  Answer the door holding a telephone.

  Shout, “I can’t hear you! There are carolers singing!” into the mouthpiece until the carolers move on.

  Bribe them.

  Tell them you would like to make a small donation, and that you enjoy their singing—from a distance.

  Request songs they will not know.

  The song repertoire of the caroler is generally quite shallow. Good choices to stump the carolers include “Adam Lay Ybounden,” “Riu, Chiu,” and “The Zither Carol.”

  Send them to someone else.

  Smile and point to the house of a stranger or a neighbor you dislike, and say, “My friend over there really loves carols!” A house that is lavishly decorated for the season will prove irresistible to them.

  HOW TO SING ALONG WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORDS

  Request “Deck the Halls.”

  Every verse ends with “Fa La La La La, La La La La,” which is easy to remember.

  Just join in.

  Carolers are irrepressible: If you are lost (or off-key), they will simply sing louder to drown you out.

  Listen for the chorus.

  Most carols have a repeating section, or chorus. Listen for it, and then sing only that part.

  Lip-synch.

  Move to the back of the group, then move your mouth soundlessly as they sing.

  Be Aware

  Do not attempt to discourage carolers by stating that you are Jewish: You will get “Light the Menorah,” “The Dreidel Song,” “Sunrise, Sunset,” or another menu of ethnic songs.

  Do not tell carolers that you don’t celebrate Christmas: You are likely to hear “Frosty the Snowman,” “Sleigh Ride,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” or a litany of secular holiday songs.

  Do not attempt to avoid carolers by going to the bathroom; they will be waiting when you return.

  CHAPTER 4

  SHOPPING SURVIVAL

  HOW TO EVADE A STAMPEDE OF SHOPPERS

  Stay focused and visualize your goal.

  Do not freeze in front of the pack; do not wait for the crowd of shoppers to get close before you make your move. Reacting early and decisively in crowds offers your best shot at survival.

  Avoid herd mentality.

  Animals travel in herds because there is safety in numbers, and the safest place is at the center of the pack, insulated from predators. Avoid the temptation to join the herd—you cannot shop if you cannot see the merchandise.

  Do not move toward the oncoming herd.

  You risk being trampled if you try to thread your way through a stampede. If you are unable to get out of the way of a fast-moving crowd, bring your arms in tightly around any packages you are carrying, turn your body in the direction of the crowd, and let yourself be carried along as you work your way to the outside of the herd.

  Maximize your movement options.

  If you need to negotiate a crowd, stay on the edge. Use the space near the walls to gain a few extra yards of room. Most shoppers will leave at least several feet between themselves and surrounding walls. This will give you room to maneuver.

  Be Aware

  When heading into a shopping situation where crowds may be present, wear proper shoes. Open-toed shoes offer minimal protection for your feet, and high heels will restrict your mobility. Select shoes with flat heels. Rubber soles provide better traction.

  HOW TO PENETRATE A CROWD TO GET THE LAST ITEM ON THE SHELF

  1. Move slowly and decisively toward the front without appearing too aggressive.

  Shoving or cutting people off will provoke flying elbows and closed ranks.

  2. Keep your eyes on the other shoppers, so you can anticipate their movements.

  3. Maintain a calm demeanor as you close in on the target it
em.

  Breathe evenly and slowly. Avoid signaling your urgency, which might alert the crowd to the desirability of the toy or other target. Avoid stepping on toes or panicking other shoppers, which may cause a stampede.

  4. Smile.

  5. Grab the item.

  Tuck it under your arm as you would a football to prevent it from being knocked or torn loose.

  6. Proceed to the nearest cash register.

  Continue to move with the crowd until you are able to slip down an aisle unnoticed.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH A BAD GIFT

  Do not lie.

  If you receive a gift you simply detest, do not complicate the situation by lying. Do not praise the gift and say that you’ve always wanted one: The giver may later wonder why you are not using the gift or why it is not displayed in your home—or you may get something similar next year. If you receive an awful sweater, say something neutral like, “I love sweaters.” If the giver is still not convinced that you like the present, try it on; you may also be able to offer another partially true compliment: “What a perfect fit!” If you receive as a gift something you already own, you do not need to advise the giver. Say, “I love this [thing]. How did you know?”

  Thank the giver for the thought, not the gift.

  Say, “How thoughtful of you” or “Thanks for thinking of me” or “I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

  Do not overpraise the gift or the giver.

  Keep your thanks simple and brief.

  Determine where the gift was purchased.

  If there was no gift receipt, check the packaging, label, and tags for a store name. If you cannot determine where it was purchased, ask the giver appreciatively: “Where did you ever find this?” Note the name in order to return the gift later.

  Regift it.

  Unwrap the gift completely to make certain that it does not contain a hidden card, monogramming, or other giver- or recipient-specific identification. Rewrap it in fresh wrapping materials.

  Be Aware

  Regifting can be risky. You may later be embarrassed if you do not know where the gift you gave was purchased. Some regifts, particularly distinctive ones, may make the rounds (see “How to Repurpose a Fruitcake”) and end up being regifted to the original giver, a situation you may find hard to explain.

  HOW TO THWART GIFT SNOOPERS

  Wrap gifts immediately.

  Snoopers will begin searching long before the holidays. Wrap gifts as soon as you bring them home to avoid early detection.

  Add items to the package.

  Include marbles, bells, silverware, small weights, or paper clips in the box before wrapping. These will throw off shakers.

  Switch the name tags.

  Put the wrong name tags on gifts to confuse and frustrate snoopers.

  Move gifts frequently.

  Snoopers will check a hiding spot and then move on. Changing the location of gifts will lessen the chance they will be found.

  Use a box significantly larger than the gift.

  Good snoopers will be attuned to the sizes of specific gifts. Use larger-than-necessary boxes to throw them off the trail, and stiff cardboard to thwart squeezers.

  Use multiple boxes.

  Put the gift in a series of wrapped boxes, one inside the other, to frustrate the snooper and deter even the most persistent opener. Use glue instead of tape to secure wrapping paper, since glue is more likely to cause the paper to rip, deterring a rewrapper from proceeding further.

  Wrap a fake present.

  Box, wrap, and tag an old shoe, broken video cassette, or used tennis balls. A snooper who discovers and opens this “gift” will be flummoxed and suitably punished; he may be outraged at the pathetic present, but will be unable to say anything without giving himself away.

  Be Aware

  Keep track of your protective and evasive measures. If you’ve scrambled name tags, you will need to know who is really to receive each present. If you’ve added items to the box or used boxes within boxes, you will need to explain their presence to their recipients. If you added silverware, you may want to remove it before delivering the gift, lest you never see your silver again. If you’ve moved the presents too many times, you may forget where you placed them. Try to avoid having to rewrap all the presents at the last minute to undo your thwarting devices.

  HOW TO DETERMINE THE CONTENTS OF A WRAPPED GIFT

  WITHOUT OPENING THE PRESENT

  1. Observe the position of the gift.

  If the box is on top of a stack of gifts or hidden on a high shelf, it is probably not fragile. If it seems to have been carefully stored, use caution when handling.

  2. Note the gift’s surroundings.

  Draw a quick diagram or take a digital or instant-developing photo that shows the location of the gift relative to other presents or objects around it. You will need to return the gift to exactly the same location and position later.

  3. Examine the wrapping paper.

  The name of the store may be printed on the paper, or it may be sealed using a sticker from the store. Both will give clues to its contents.

  4. Smell the box.

  Chocolates, baked goods, bath products, and leather goods have distinctive aromas, as do many other items.

  5. Squeeze the package.

  Clothing boxes are generally light and will give slightly when squeezed. Electronics and other fragile items are usually packed in molded foam inserts that fit snugly inside thin outer boxes. Power tools are often packaged in rigid, thick cardboard boxes with large staples in the end flaps; you might be able to feel the staples through wrapping paper.

  6. Measure the package.

  Clothing boxes are generally longer than they are wide, and less than six inches high. Compact disc jewel cases are 5½ inches wide, 4¾ inches long, and less than ½ inch high. If the package has the first two dimensions but is higher (thicker), it is probably several discs or a double- or triple-disc set. DVD boxes are 5½ inches wide, about 7½ inches long, and ½ inch high. Books may be any form of rectangle but are relatively heavy for their size. Underwear and socks will often be wrapped but not boxed; the packages will be flexible, and the plastic may make a quiet, crinkling sound.

  7. Shake the package gently.

  If you hear slight rustling, the item is likely clothes covered in tissue paper. If the box is big, heavy, and clinks slightly, it may contain an appliance.

  8. Weigh the package.

  If you have a hunch about the item and the store it came from, go online and compare the weight of the box to the listed shipping weight of the suspected gift.

  HOW TO REWRAP A GIFT

  You will need the original wrapping paper, still taped but with the tape slit where it crosses edges; a roll of clear tape (or that which matches the tape on the gifts); glue; a ruler; and, in emergencies, a roll of wrapping paper that matches as closely as possible the pattern of the original wrapping paper.

  1. Do not remove the tape.

  Leave tape on the wrapping paper. Pulling it off will cause the paper to tear.

  2. Slide the box back into the paper.

  Your rewrapping job will be easier if only the sides of the paper have been opened. If the paper is completely unfolded, place the box on the paper. Make sure the edges of the box align with the folds in the paper.

  3. Follow the original wrapper’s sequence.

  Most wrappers will fold the paper around the gift first, then fold and seal the box at both ends. Follow the existing pattern of folds on the paper as you would in refolding a map. Use the ruler to re-crease the paper.

  4. Glue or tape the paper.

  If the opening was done properly, line up the old tape pieces and place glue under the flaps. This will give the tape a seamless appearance and avoid excess taping, which might be spotted. Hold the flaps of paper in place for several minutes until the glue sets. Wipe off any visible glue while it is still wet. If the opening was sloppy or the tape edges cannot be properly aligned, place a new, sli
ghtly larger piece over the old one.

  5. Retie bows.

  If the bows were hand-tied, retie them. If they were store-bought, make certain they are still stuck to the paper. If not, glue them on.

  6. Reposition the gift.

  Put the gift back in its original position. Refer to your diagram or photo (see “How to Determine the Contents of a Wrapped Gift”).

  7. Act surprised.

  When you are given the present and open it legitimately, express delight. If the present you receive is not the one you opened and rewrapped, do not show surprise: The giver may have switched name tags (see “How to Thwart Gift Snoopers”).