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  How to Make Your Younger Sibling Bearable

  Isn’t it amazing how such little kids can be such big pains in the butt? Of course, you were young once, but you’ve grown out of it—so maybe there’s hope for your smaller sibling, too. When you and Little You have to hang out together, there’s no reason it can’t be fun for the both of you . . . especially if you figure out how to mold your sib into the perfect personal assistant.

  * Turn your sibling into a pack mule.

  Tell your younger sib that if he’s going to hang with you, he has to carry your backpack. And spare pieces of clothing in case you get cold. And your sweater if you get hot. If you want to be nice, tell him he doesn’t have to carry your stuff on his head. . . but he’ll get bonus points that way.

  * Make your sibling your personal messenger service.

  In a time of e-mails and texts, it’s unusual to get a handwritten note. Have a little sib hand-deliver your notes for you. It adds that extra-special personal touch that says, “I care enough to send my sister.”

  * Insist that your sibling become your server.

  Hungry? Thirsty? Just want a little snack? Sure, you could walk to the refrigerator to get that food or drink. Then again, why not have little bro do it for you? Tell him you’re teaching him a skill he can use later in life when his career as a movie star doesn’t work out.

  BE AWARE • Make sure your sib knows that working for you is an honor. To prevent her from getting the idea that this will be a regular thing, have her sign a contract stating that she gets that this is a one-time-only deal (see the “Hang Time” contract). Also, make sure she understands that children in other countries would fight for the opportunity to spend time with you.

  Top 10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Saddled with Your Sib

  1. Her nose runs even when she’s sitting still.

  2. He chews with his mouth open.

  3. She’s covered in crumbs!

  4. He smells like milk.

  5. She somehow manages to make things sticky just by looking at them.

  6. He turns everything into a song, then sings it really loudly.

  7. She keeps calling you by a nickname you don’t want anyone to know.

  8. He never qualifies for the “You need to be this tall to get in” rides.

  9. Her Cheerios spill EVERYWHERE!

  10. He can’t even work a video game controller.

  How to Soothe a Peeved Parental Unit

  When an adult in your life is mad, your life gets harder (even if you weren’t the one who got him or her ticked off). These ideas may make the dark clouds hanging over your parent’s head pass faster.

  1 Say the two all-purpose, virtually never-fail magic words: “I’m sorry.”

  Even if you’re 100 percent sure you did nothing wrong, just say it. Then cock your head to the side, make your best puppy-dog eyes, and say it again as sincerely as possible: “I’m really, really sorry.”

  2 Avoid saying, “Wow, being angry at me really makes you look ridiculous.”

  Even though this might cross your mind, this sort of commentary is sure to refuel the flames of Mom’s or Dad’s anger. Refer to step 1 again for the only words you should be uttering right now.

  Telltale Signs You’ve Got an Annoyed Adult on Your Hands

  • Steam is pouring out of his nose or ears.

  • Her arms are crossed and her foot is tapping, but there’s no music playing in the background.

  • She keeps pounding the kitchen table with her shoe.

  • He’s opening doors just so he can slam them shut.

  • She’s muttering to herself about living on a desert island with no distractions. No clutter. And no one else there to bother her!

  • He’s fluffing the pillows on the couch so loudly you can hear him three rooms away.

  3 Give that madman or crazy lady some room.

  Now that you’ve offered an apology, let Foul-Mood Morris or Mary have some space to be alone with his or her anger. Back away quietly and try not to do anything irritating.

  4 Offer comfort . . . comfort food, that is.

  Prepare the person’s favorite snack and leave it in a place where you know he’ll find it. Include a simple note containing a heart and your initials.

  5 Do something nice for Mr. or Ms. Angry Pants.

  Complete the chore you’re always being bugged to do without being asked to do it. Your parents will not only be pleasantly surprised, they’ll know it’s a sign that you want to make things better.

  BE AWARE • Sometimes being nice can back-fire and lead to more punishment for no good reason. Continually gauge the mood of the parent in question, and back off if things seem to be heading south.

  CHAPTER 2

  Survival Skills at School

  How to Ride the Bus Without Getting Schooled

  As if the fact that it delivers you to school weren’t bad enough, the school bus can be a torture chamber on wheels. Spitballs fly, homework gets stolen, and wet willies are delivered at an alarming rate. But if you properly prepare yourself for the ride, you can turn your school bus into a mobile pleasure pad.

  1 When boarding the bus, keep your head low but your eyes up.

  This “modified turtle” positioning system alerts others that you’re too cool to care what they’re up to. You’ll just walk to your seat, tough exterior shell in place, and no one will bother you.

  2 Scope out the seat real estate.

  Location is everything. First look for your friends, and if they’re there, go sit with them. If you don’t know anyone, an empty seat near the middle of the bus is your best bet. Steer clear of the far back, home to those who think they’re hot stuff, and the far front, home to those who might consider the bus driver one of their best friends.

  3 Turn on. Tune out.

  Stick your ear buds in your ears, turn your music player on, and tune out the rest of the madness. Enjoy the relaxing sounds of your favorite tunes till the wheels of the bus stop rolling.

  BE AWARE • Some bus drivers assign seats on the first day of school, so it’s important to choose your seat carefully that day.

  How to Get By When You’re Late to Class

  You don’t know exactly how it happened, but you’re late again! This is not good. If your teacher catches you, you’re going to be in big trouble. That’s why you’re not going to get caught.

  OPTION FOR THE BOLD: SNEAK IN

  1 Lay the groundwork.

  This option requires advance preparation. If there are any classes that you’re likely to run late for, choose a friend who will be your accomplice. Then discuss the plan (see below) with your friend, and prepare a signal system you’ll use when the need arises.

  2 Get the attention of your friend inside.

  If the classroom door is still open when you arrive, try to catch your friend’s eye without calling attention to yourself. Make sure to avoid looking at the teacher or standing in the teacher’s line of sight.

  3 Give your friend the “Tell me when” signal.

  This will let him know that it’s time to watch for the right moment for your entrance. Good moments include when the teacher is writing on the board, when the teacher is talking privately with another student, or anytime the teacher is just not focused on the door. When the moment is right, your friend should give you the “Go” signal.

  4 As soon as you get the “Go” signal, go for it!

  Crouch low to the ground and make your way to your desk as quickly and quietly as you can. If your desk is far away from the door, see if there’s a closer empty desk where you can make a pit stop. (And if you get caught, see more options on the next page!)

  OPTION FOR THE SLIGHTLY LESS DARING: GIVE AN EXCUSE

  * I’m a comedian in training!

  Say, “I’m not late . . . I was trying to make an entrance!”

  * I’m just trying to be a model citizen.

  Tell the teacher, “I would have been here sooner, but I know we’re not supposed to run i
n the halls.”

  * I’m a VIP!

  Offer your apologies—you had an early-morning audition that took forever.

  * I forgot to reset my watch.

  Tell the teacher, “I’d be right on time if this school were in Kansas City!”

  * I’m hurt!

  Enter crying, limping, and explaining that you just fell down the stairs.

  BE AWARE • Before you attempt to use the last excuse, make sure your school has stairs.

  How to Survive Going “Splat” in the Cafeteria

  The only thing worse than being forced to eat a school lunch is tripping while carrying it on your tray in the cafeteria. The good news: Now that your food’s gone flying, you don’t have to swallow it. The bad news: Everyone in school just saw you “eat it.” Here’s how to make that trip a little less bitter.

  1 Pop up and dust off.

  Stand up as soon as you can. The faster you can get up, the faster this nightmare is over. If you’ve spilled any food on yourself, or if you have skid marks down your pant legs, wipe yourself off to minimize the evidence that you were just airborne.

  2 Scan the room for the reaction.

  Determine if your fall was something only a few people noticed, or if it was seen and heard by every person in the cafeteria, including, but not limited to: other students, teachers, administrators, visitors, lunch ladies, and the janitor.

  3 Laugh it off and take your bow.

  Laugh at yourself. That way, if others join in, they’re now laughing with you instead of at you. Then, if the whole cafeteria’s watching, prove that you have a great sense of humor by taking a big bow. If only a small group of people saw the event, simply give them a salute and nod your head.

  4 With your chin up, walk to your table and eat what remains on your tray.

  To minimize embarrassment, do not dwell in your puddle of spilled milk. Walk away and sit down with your friends as soon as you can.

  Top 5 Things to Yell After You’ve Hit the Ground

  1. “Man down!”

  2. “Food fight!”

  3. “Duck and cover!”

  4. “Thar she blows!”

  5. “Stop, drop, and roll!”

  How to Ace a Spelling Test without Spell-Check

  Spelling isn’t directly related to intelligence, but it is directly related to how we remember things. So here are some tricks that will help you recall words that you still feel like a nincompoop for mispelling—er, misspelling.

  1 Come up with a clever memory aid.

  These are known as mnemonic (pronounced “nih-MON-ick”) devices. Say you have to write a thank-you note. Do you write it on stationery or stationary? Remember E is for “envelope,” so it’s stationery. Is it a school principle or principal? It’s principal because he’s your “pal.” Separate or seperate? Remove “a rat” by “sep-a-rat-ing” it.

  2 Sound it out, out loud.

  By breaking the word into pieces, it becomes less scary.

  3 Write the word in the air.

  In a spelling-bee setting, you don’t have the advantage of seeing how the word looks on the written page. Try writing the word in big letters in the air in front of you. This will help you visualize what you’re trying to spell.

  BE AWARE • Here is a list of commonly misspelled words. Don’t let them fool you!

  • apparent

  • believe

  • conscience

  • discipline

  • embarrass

  • fiery

  • guarantee

  • hierarchy

  • inoculate

  • jewelry

  • kernel

  • license

  • millennium

  • necessary

  • occurrence

  • privilege

  • questionnaire

  • rhythm

  • sergeant

  • twelfth

  • until

  • vacuum

  • weird

  • xylophone

  • yucca

  • zoology

  Source: www.yourdictionary.com

  How to Survive a Trip to the Principal’s Office

  You may be guilty, you may be innocent, but there will be no trial: For you the principal is judge and jury. So when you get sent to his office, be lawyer-like and present your best case.

  1 Dress like you’re going to court.

  Since you probably can’t change into a suit, make what you’re wearing look more respectable: Tuck in your shirt, tie your shoes, smooth down your hair, and do your best to get that “you can’t catch me” grin off your face.

  2 Silently listen to the charges against you.

  Don’t butt in while the principal is talking. If you speak up while he’s telling you what you’ve been accused of, you risk two things. One: giving away too much information. Two: ticking him off. So keep your trap shut.

  Random Excuses to Offer the Principal When Nothing Else Is Working

  • “I’m just trying to make my classmates look good.”

  • “I was sleepwalking.”

  • “Picasso didn’t do his best work until he was in his seventies.”

  • “I’m so upset about the [insert major world current event] situation. It’s affecting me terribly.”

  3 Address the principal with respect.

  When it’s your turn to talk, remember your manners and say your “please”s and “thank you”s, your “yes, ma’am”s and “no, sir”s. Since you’re trying to convince the principal you’re innocent, the more respectful you act, the less criminal you’ll seem.

  4 Maintain eye contact.

  Guilty parties tend to look down and away. By looking the principal directly in the eye, you’ll appear more trustworthy. And don’t blink too much—excessive blinking is a sign of lying.

  5 Don’t be a rat.

  Don’t blame someone else or use a classmate as a scape-goat. You want to get cleared of these charges, but not at the expense of another kid.

  6 When asked what happened, explain it quickly and clearly.

  Don’t blah-blah-blah—the principal has heard a million excuses. Give him your side of the story, outlining details that present you in the best light.

  7 Wrap it up with “sincere” thanks.

  End your speech by thanking the principal for listening to your side and judging the situation fairly. (Adults love being appreciated for doing their job. Plus, saying “thank you” will make him feel guilty about inflicting harsh punishment.)

  How to Survive a Bad Report Card

  Grades happen. If your report card is covered in letters that cling to the lower end of the grading alphabet, here’s how to reduce its impact when you hand it to an adult for their signature.

  1 Be affectionate and complimentary but not obviously fake.

  If your flattery before handing over the report card is too over-the-top, your signer will smell something’s up. Find a medium-sized compliment (something big enough to put her in a good mood, but not so big that it’s obviously a lie) and give it with a smile.

  2 Ask your signer to sit down—there’s something you need to discuss.

  Make sure she takes a comfy chair—you sit in something wooden and uncomfortable—then say you have something you need to talk to her about.

  Top 3 Medium-Sized Compliments

  1. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, but I think you’ve got a great sense of style.”

  2. “You are so much cooler than [insert name of friend or neighbor]’s [mom/dad].”

  3. “You look like you’ve lost weight.”

  3 Begin listing a series of real-life unfortunate events.

  Remind your signer that awful things are going on in the world, such as war, famine, and puppy torture. Then say, “All things considered, what I’m about to show you is not so bad.”

  4 Present the report card, look down, and admit that no one is more disappointed in you than you.

  Say this wi
thout laughing.

  5 If your signer clasps her chest and falls off her chair after seeing your grades, call 911.

  While you wait for the ambulance, assure her that the report card is not really all that important, and that what she needs to focus on now is recovering.

  6 Place the pen in her hand and have her sign at the X.

  Before she’s carted away, move her hand to sign the report card. Promise your signer that you will do better next term, and try to mean it.

  Successful Folks Who Bombed in School

  • Woody Allen, an Academy Award–winning writer, producer, and director, flunked motion picture production and English at New York University.

  • Napoleon Bonaparte, one of the greatest military figures of all time, finished near the bottom of his class at military school.

  • Albert Einstein, one of the world’s greatest scientists, did terribly in elementary school, and failed his first college entrance exam.

  • William Faulkner, a Nobel Prize–winning author, didn’t graduate from high school because he didn’t have enough credits.

  • Robert Kennedy, former attorney general of the United States, failed first grade.

  How to Get a Decent Photo on Picture Day

  Most embarrassments fade fast. But a bad school photo lasts forever. Don’t get caught looking like a weirdo in the yearbook. You’ll never—and we mean never—live it down.

  1 Water can help a bad hair day.

  Woke up with crazy bed head? Realized you got hat head on the way to school? If you have no gel, try a tiny amount of hand lotion. Or simply go to the bathroom and wash your hands in warm water. Instead of drying them with a paper towel, run them through your hair.

  2 Camouflage that pimple.